You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The air was thick with penises
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
