its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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