life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize