Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
