Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Everclear isn't food dammit
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize