theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
