I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
