Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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