Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
