he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
