dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
