my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
