i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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