my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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