yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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