Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
