All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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