I want to walk on stilts...naked
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Two words: blizzard sex
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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