Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
