so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
