I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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