Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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