walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
