The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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