it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
