Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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