I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
