I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
