she woke up with a sticky ear
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
