I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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