just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
