i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
