I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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