im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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