problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
