hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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