I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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