Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
