she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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