I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
