the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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