I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
