I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
