I cannot find my penis.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
