We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
