If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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