me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
