my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
