I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
