Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
