sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
