Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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