Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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