bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
