You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
