oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
