I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
