i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I need a beard to bite.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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