we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
