You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
