If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
